ASK M.J.

A Different Way to Look at Change

2011-12-27T20:23:00.000-08:00

Most people in relationships will try to change if their partner nags, yells, threatens divorce, or refuses to speak for a week. They'll change for a short time but they won't really change because they resent you and they resent how mean you are to them. They don't think of what they could/should be doing to foster a good relationship. That would require taking responsibility for the problem which they can't do because they, in my example, don't have a problem. You have the problem. You can change yourself.

A different way to look at change is to think of your partner as someone who wants to please you (even if you don't believe it) and approach your partner as if he/she were your best friend.

Isn't it interesting how nice we are to friends and how rudely we can behave toward our partner because we have rationalized to ourselves that they deserve it.

Then think of something you can offer your partner by way of change. For instance, if you are very unhappy about your partner turning into a couch potato to watch ball games all day on Sundays, and you feel lonely and uncared for, try offering something before you ask for change.

Here is an example of an offering:

You: "I know you really like to watch football all day on Sundays and I can understand what a relief it is for you to enjoy yourself after working all week. I miss you though. If I fix you snacks and don't pester you to do things while you're watching your favorite game on Sunday, will you watch just one game and then do something with me? I want us to be close and have some fun with each other before we have to go back to work."

Partner: "You want me to do something with you (looking like you just hit him with a two by four because you aren't nagging or complaining but inviting)?"

You: "Yes." And then you wait. If he responds sarcastically DO NOT ENGAGE! Change doesn't happen all at once and he is used to the old way. Simply repeat that you miss him and want to spend some time with him.

Partner: "O.K. If you get me some snacks I'll just watch one game." This is where the urge to run into the kitchen and find a frying pan to smack him with comes into play. I don't recommend it unless you like jail. "What do you want to do?"

You: And this is also important because you have to have thought of something to do that you like but you know he/she also likes. It can't be going shopping with you unless he/she likes shopping. And you can't say you don't know and ask him to come up with something. You're lonely for his company and this is a way to get it. If you just want to have a fight then do what you usually do. "I was thinking we could leave the kids with (you fill that in) and go have some Mexican food or go down to the waterfront and see what they're catching (or take a walk or go for a bike ride or whatever it is that you like too and you know he likes)."

Partner: "O.K. But I want to watch the whole game and I don't want to have to wait for you to get ready when the game's over."

You:" (Now seriously contemplating causing him/her great bodily harm) O.K. It's a deal. I'm really looking forward to it."

As you're reading this you probably think the entire thing is pretty much nonsense because your partner is the one who is being insensitive to you and who needs to make the changes. The problem is that we can't change other people. We can only change ourselves and hope that by making positive change in ourselves we can create a positive response in our partners, which will lead to your partner making a change based on what they want, not what you want them to want.

It takes courage to initiate positive contact when you feel neglected, lonely, or angry. It's also the way to a better relationship and isn't that what you really want more than being right?

This is just one small example. You can think of many examples for many different situations. What you're doing is assuming your partner loves you and hasn't realized you're lonely for him/her, and you're giving your partner a chance to meet your needs without having to fire up his/her crystal ball.

Try it if you really want to see what changing yourself can do for a relationship.

2011-09-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

Children don't need parents for friends. It's nice and even good when parents and children get along and enjoy each other. Unfortunately, sometimes it's a parents responsibility to take care of their child even if the child is angry and won't speak to the parent or locks him or herself away in their bedroom for awhile, when the parent parents. For instance, if your child asks if they can go spend the night with a friend, do you call the friend's parents to see if there's going to be an adult in the house? NO? Hmmmm, no wonder so many kids can tell me all about the parties with the alcohol and drugs they consumed over the weekend. Not your child? Don't be so fast to decide that. I work with kids from good families with loving, hard working parents. Children are children. They are not adults even when they are throwing a fit to convince us they are. Their brains aren't even fully developed yet. They don't always exercise good judgement. That's where you come in. It is your responsibility to make sure your child is safe and your child isn't safe if he/she is at a party where there isn't a responsible adult in the house. If parents want to know what drug is a "gateway drug" it's the emotional drug called "charm" children use to get parents to trust them so they won't call the other kid's parents. It's that desire a parent has to avoid getting the child mad at them. Very often, that's where teenagers begin substance abuse, in a private home, at a party where there is no adult supervision. Kids are, well just that, kids. That's why they have parents who are supposed to be taking care of them. It doesn't matter how well your child is dressed, what kind of sport they play, how many friends they have, or how nice their bedrooms are, if they are allowed to run their lives because their parents don't want to risk having the child "hate" them. That "hate" so often identified by teenagers as a way to dissuade parents from being parents, goes away as soon as the desired event has past or the parents have been called or whatever it is the child doesn't want the parent to do or wants to be allowed to do that is unacceptable. It isn't hate, it's I didn't get my way so I'm going to tell you I hate you, behavior. Better to have an angry child than a child who consumed too much alcohol, too fast, and is lying in a coma in the emergency room, parents by the bedside, praying that their child will live. Harsh? No, check the statistics if you don't believe me.

Unfortunately

2011-09-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

So often what hurts our feelings or makes us angry isn't about us at all. Most of us would like to believe we are at least important enough to insult but we aren't.

People who insult us, hurt our feelings, or make us angry are almost always insecure people reacting to something that's been triggered within themselves. I'm not condoning anyone hurting our feelings in any way. I'm just saying that, to take it personally, is really not understanding what's really going on.

Before we can react in a way that gives us the best chance of getting what we want from any interaction, we need to know what's really going on. For instance, you manage to make your way through a telephone tree that seems as if it was put together by a six year old. You only had ten minutes and now you have six or seven left. You finally get a live person and what you want to know is whether or not your insurance is due or your payment was received. The person asks you for your last name, date of birth, last four numbers of your social, zip code, city, dog's name, mother's name, brother's address, well maybe not all that but that's what it feels like and you say it all. They say you SHOULD have been sent that information and they can't give you that information anyway because you've called the wrong department. They sound angry, they are curt, they don't offer to transfer your call. They tell you in a very abrupt way that you have to call this other department, click. Then you are staring at a phone that doesn't have a person on the other end any more. Sigh.

You can let your blood pressure ratchet up twenty notches, get so angry that you are determined to write letters, call their supervisor, get them fired, and the list goes on. Or you can recognize that they are working for the company that just had you on a merry-go-round telephone tree so the rest of the organization that they have to work for probably operates the same way, insanely! You can imagine what it must feel like to have to answer phones for minimum wage, maybe without any benefits, and to have to try to pay your bills, eat, do whatever other chores await you in your brief weekend off just so you can turn around and go back again because there aren't any other jobs for you. Maybe that rude person is trying to raise a family on those wages. Maybe they know the CEO of the company just got a ten million dollar bonus. Maybe they are just tired or maybe they are sick and tired and have no choice but to answer those phones and you just happen to be one of the folks who had her own agenda that morning, who wanted some information and didn't have all day to try to get it.

If that phone person had been happy with his or her own life, that happiness would have spread to you. Since they aren't happy in their life, their unhappiness tainted your experience and that really is a shame but it isn't worth getting upset over. It isn't worth anything. You still have to call that other number so let it go and move on. You'll feel better and maybe having a little compassion will make you feel a lot better. Funny how compassion does that, makes us feel better. Isn't it supposed to make the other guy feel better. Oh no, I forgot, it's never about the other guy. Have a great day and remember to take a couple of deep breaths whenever you want to reach through the phone and smack someone.

Feeling Empty?

2011-06-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

Our feelings are very important, even negative feelings, because they tell us something about ourselves. Just like a pain in our foot indicates there's something wrong with our foot, and we need to pay attention to it or we could injure it further, negative emotions are signals to us to pay attention. Feeling empty isn't the same as feeling lonely although it's a kissing cousin and could be there as well. Feeling empty is how a person can feel even when they're in a relationship, one they like. Drinking or using drugs might fix that feeling in the short term but in the long term it will only make the feeling worse.

Schools today have had to stop emphasizing the arts because of "No Child Left Behind." Teachers are forced to teach for the tests and cannot allow time for very much creative work. So, children aren't learning how to self-soothe by pursuing individual creative interests. Being absorbed in painting, writing, photography, and many other types of creative endeavors allows the individual time to separate from the external world and become completely absorbed in what they're doing, following their own noses, so to speak.

Shopping doesn't count, going to lunch with friends doesn't count, doing something you are interested in that involves using your imagination like the short list above, even gardening counts. It doesn't have to be a traditional creative pursuit. It does have to involve your imagination and your singular attention and energy and, most importantly, your ideas. The next time you "feel empty" or "lost" or "like I don't know who I am" make a deal with yourself to at least try, just one time, doing something by yourself that involves the above and agree with yourself to stay with it for at least an hour and a half. Why an hour and a half? Because it takes about that much time for a person to leave the external world behind and become intrigued or engrossed in what they're doing.

If you make yourself do it just once, you'll notice how much better you feel at the end of the hour and a half. You might even find you've worked at your project much longer than an hour and a half and that's even better. Doing something creative helps the individual develop a sense of self, become a fully developed person, lose the negative feeling or feelings that were just there to make you pay attention to your need to be in touch with your unique self. Every time you get that feeling or even when you don't have the feeling/s, go back at least once a week to what you love and do it, again for at least an hour and a half.

That's why negative emotions are just as important as positive ones and why we should always pay attention to them.

Holiday Happiness or Smile for the Camera?

2010-12-21T20:10:00.000-08:00

How much time do you spend during the holidays thinking about things you have to do in order to be ready for the big day, writing lists for groceries, gifts, appointments, gatherings, to remind yourself of all of the people you're giving gifts to and what you'd like to give them, ordering turkeys, hams, pies, cakes, prescriptions (ooops, wrong list), people to include or leave out of your plans, then implementing those lists? Do you have friends and relatives you want or feel like you need to see?

Have you organized your clothes for the festivities, purchased new ones, resurrected old ones by taking them to the cleaners where you'll buy half of each item of clothing all over again just by paying for the cleaning? Have you organized your children's, husband's, wife's, grandma's, outfits? Did you buy enough wrapping paper? Have you wrapped everything? And how about those last minute people who popped into your mind right after you felt satisfied you'd gotten something for everyone; did you figure out what to give them?

Oh, then there's the money issue or wouldn't that mostly be the lack of money issue? Every year merchants put up holiday decorations and merchandise earlier and earlier. At the rate this is going we'll be able to shop for Hanukkah or Christmas right after taxes are paid in April.

Then there's the tree if you celebrate Christmas and have children. If you celebrate Christmas and don't have children, trees are optional. Otherwise, Mom and Dad load the kids into the car and drive around to various tree lots or tree farms until the perfect tree is located and tied onto the car roof or thrown into the back of the pickup, or stuffed into an SUV. Of course, no one agrees on which tree is the right tree and all involved adults are gasping at the prices of trees while children are gasping at the beauty of that seventeen footer with all that white stuff on it (flocked).

Couples with small children cannot avoid much of the above because their kids go to school with other kids and it's been awhile since anyone got a lump of coal in their stocking.
And couples with small children, already stressed by the pace of daily life, become even more stressed so they, of course, begin to fight with each other. Usually the wife gets louder as her stress level climbs and she begins repeating herself just in case he didn't get the point. So he withdraws because he got the point and is sick of hearing it, just in case she thought he was making money in the basement. They're mad at each other but the kids aren't supposed to know. They've read the books about raising children so they don't fight in front of the kids. No, they go into the other room and scream at each other so loud the neighbors are listening. They don't scream things about the grocery list. They scream about getting out, getting divorced, what they hate about each other, why they're only staying for the kids, and...well you get the drift, if you haven't been there yourself. The kids go to sleep conflicted, wondering if they're going to get what they want for Christmas and whether or not Mom and Dad are getting divorced before Christmas or after Christmas.

The adults scurry around hoping to get everything finished in time and then, oh my, how can we forget the post office, that place that has a line around the block, you know, the one with seven windows and two open? Yes, that one where the employees don't appear to have enough energy to pick up a package and certainly don't have enough energy to go find a package without taking so much time one wonders if they went out to lunch too.

I'm sure I've left out many things but I've included enough that most of you are nodding your heads in agreement, recognizing yourselves in what I've said. And then it's the big day. Somehow most everything got done, children and adults are dressed and ready, the tree is pretty, decorations are out and polished, along with furniture and silverware and someone is sitting at the foot of the tree, reading gift labels and handing out presents to all gathered around. That's when the camera comes out and "Smile," and, "Say cheese," are direct orders. The children are all smiles except for the ones who didn't get what they wanted and can't understand why it just wasn't possible for Santa to bring the same uber expensive gift to them that their friend at school got. And the parents? Hmmmm, the parents cannot for the life of them remember why they decided to get married and have children at all. They smile because they know screaming will be recorded forever in the family album and no one wants that photo pointed out for generations to come.

This, of course, is a temporary situation and after the tree is down, the stress is over, almost everyone will go back to whatever for them was normal before the holidays.

Except, there's the issue about money, what was charged, spent, and given away. Now that's the only thing that will still be around in April because those charges won't be paid off for awhile.
Everyone wakes up like they were drunk at a ball, dancing until they were insane. The sun came up, shining a glaring light on what's left of the "happy holiday season," black plastic bags of garbage, presents stacked and waiting for placement in someone's closet or drawer right after the drawers get emptied into more bags. Adults experience complete exhaustion and not just a few minor dings in their relationship but some pretty big ones if this performance has been repeated more than twice.

And this ludicrous cycle is driven by tradition? Or is it driven by a corporate America that wants all of us to buy stuff no matter what the cost in time, money, relationships and mental health? Is this what we want our children and grandchildren to fall victim to when they're adults? Is this really happiness? Is it something we really can't change?

I'm just saying....maybe there is another way, a way to celebrate with love and joy in our hearts. If there is, a dialogue needs to be started now, with yourself, your partner, neighbors, relatives, children, and teachers. Is there a better way to encompass what the season is supposed to represent?

I don't have the answer but you do. In the end it will have to be a collective you to make the changes that will create what you meant to have in the first place: peace and happiness, enjoyment of family and loved ones, sanity vs. insanity, and the ability to smile, really smile for that camera.

How to Have a Successful Argument or Difficult Discussion

2010-02-13T19:09:00.000-08:00

This is a technique that is a very simple tool to vastly improve communications between any two people, man and woman, parent and child, employer and employee, immediately. For many years, along with Fair Fighting, I've instructed people in this technique. Yet, I find that people will try it for a day or two and then not use it anymore.
I've tried to understand why people won't use something that is so helpful and will greatly reduce, if not eliminate, conflict and lead to conflict resolution.
I've inferred that there are two or three things about this technique that cause people to ignore using it during times when it absolutely should be used. First, when people are upset or angry, they want to say what they have to say, in rapid fire, making sure they deliver all of their points to the other person as quickly as possible and then, when the other person is talking, they are only hearing part of what is being said while, at the same time, composing in their mind what they are going to say next. So the person who is talking doesn't get the full attention of the listener. I've observed that people actually don't hear what the other person just said but they believe they have and what they believe they heard is what they respond to. Second, when one is angry it feels good to let that adrenalin loose and just vent. Never mind that just venting without thinking or hearing is like taking a sledgehammer to your grandmother's china. What is said in anger might be apologized for later but it will always leave a scar. Create enough scars and the relationship dies no matter how many apologies are offered. And third, it slows the process of communication way down. It slows heated communication down so much that doing active listening when one is upset feels tedious. That's the whole point though. Using active listening will slow everyone down which will have an overall calming effect. An average person only has forty-five minutes of available adrenalin in their system so keeping something going for forty-five minutes will have burned off the adrenalin and allow people to speak from their pain or fear rather than their anger.
I guarantee anyone who religiously uses active listening will have much more satisfying and effective communications and their relationships will improve. So why not use it you're thinking? Refer to the above three points and that about sums it up.
Now, there's another category for which active listening won't work and that is when one person has decided they want to leave the relationship and they are being provocative in hope that the other person will see themselves as part of the reason the relationship failed so they don't have to feel guilty about leaving the relationship. Sometimes they are so provocative it forces the other person to completely lose it, yelling and threatening and so forth, which gives the initiator a reason to leave the relationship which isn't the reason they're leaving the relationship at all. So, if you use active listening and get nowhere with it, consider that the other person is attempting to terminate the relationship and that is their goal in having the argument or many arguments. It is best then to seek counseling for the two of you.
Active listening is so simple a child, particularly a teenager, can learn to use it.
So, you're wondering when am I going to tell you just what active listening is?
Right now:
When a serious conversation begins, one that could lead to an argument if it isn't already an argument, repeat back to the other person exactly what you just heard them say to you, as a question. Give the other person a chance to either agree that that is what they just said or to restate what they just said. Then you repeat back to the person a second time, in the form of a question, what you think they just said. Repeat this process as many times as it takes, until the speaker agrees that is what they said. Then it is your turn to say what you have to say and the other person does what you just did, repeating in the form of a question what you just said, until you agree that is what you said. Go back and forth this way until you are sure each of you has clearly heard the other, understands what they are saying, and then you can begin to see if there is some middle ground the two of you can agree on. Begin a series of compromise proposals, again using active listening, until there is an agreement both of you can live with. Each will probably have to give a little but neither will lose completely.
I caution you to make short statements because no one can remember two or three paragraphs to repeat back to the other. A few sentences or a paragraph will do. There will be plenty of time to cover all of the talking points.
Never, ever have an argument, no matter how good it will seem to feel to open your mouth and let that energy out as you climb into the car, are on the telephone, especially if one person is at work, have to leave in five minutes or one of you is late to something or has to be somewhere soon so they have to go.
I can't state this too often; what you say in anger you can never take back or completely repair, and it will ultimately destroy a relationship that you could deeply regret losing after there is no longer a relationship to argue about.
A good relationship is like a pearl in an oyster. It forms over time and takes work but, in the end, you have a beautiful, unique, pearl, one of a kind, that is many times more valuable than prying open the oyster and swallowing it down whole because you just can't wait to eat (unless you're intending to eat oysters in the first place that is).
Be patient. Angry people are hurting people. Two angry people are two hurting people. Neither is stronger or weaker but each believes the other doesn't care to help solve the problem.
EXAMPLE:
Anne: "I feel like you go to bed early to avoid being with me."
John: "You feel like I'm going to bed early to avoid being with you?"
Anne: "Yes."
John: "I feel like you aren't interested in me sexually, and I suppose I do go to bed to get some sleep since nothing is going to happen anyway."
Anne: "You are tired of having sex with me because I'm no longer as attractive to you as the women you work with?"
John: "No, I said I feel like you aren't interested in me sexually so I just go to bed to get a good night's sleep."
Anne: "You think I'm not interested in you sexually so you just go to bed early to get a good night's sleep."
John: "Yes."
Anne: "Well, that's how I feel. I have felt like I'm not attractive to you since the baby was born."
John: "You don't think you've been attractive since the baby was born?"
Anne. "No. I said I don't feel like I've been attractive to you since the baby was born."
John: "You haven't felt like I find you attractive since the baby was born?"
Anne: "Yes."
John: "I guess I got the idea that you were tired and not interested in sex because of all that you have to do since the baby was born. I think you're more attractive than ever. Having a baby has really made you blossom as a woman."
Anne: "You got the idea that I was tired and not interested in sex because of all the work I've had to do since the baby was born and that you think I'm more attractive than ever?"
John: "Yes."
Anne: "Well, I could use a little more help in the evening so we can be finished with our work at the same time and then we could make love because it sounds like we each thought the other one wasn't interested.
John: "You would like me to help you more in the evening so we're both finished at the same time and then we could make love. That it sounds like we each thought the other wasn't interested?
Anne: "Yes."
John: "Sometimes I have to make a couple of business calls while you're getting the kitchen cleaned up and the baby put down."
Anne: "You don't have time to help me in the evening?"
John: "No, sometimes I have to make a couple of business calls in the evening while you're cleaning the kitchen and putting the baby down."
Anne: "Sometimes you have to make a few business calls in the evening while I clean the kitchen and put the baby down."
John: "Yes."
Anne: "So you don't have time to help me and then I will be too tired. Can you make your business calls no longer than an hour and I'll take a bath and read for an hour and then we'll clean the kitchen and put the baby down together?"
John: "You'll be too tired if I don't help you so you'd like to take a bath or read while I make my business calls which I will limit to an hour and then we can clean the kitchen and put the baby down together?"
Anne: "Yes."
John: "I think that's a good idea. The baby will go to bed an hour later then so could you put the baby to bed after we eat and then take a bath or read while I finish my business calls? If the baby still isn't asleep when I'm finished with my calls I'll take over from you and finish doing that and help you clean up the kitchen."
Anne: "You think that's a good idea but the baby won't get to bed until an hour later so you'd like me to put the baby to bed and then take a bath or read while you make your calls and then we'll clean the kitchen together and you'll finish up with the baby if she still isn't down by the time you've spent an hour on your business calls?"
John: "Yes."
Anne: "I can do that if you'll agree to limit your business calls to one hour no matter what."
John: "You can do that if I agree to limit my business calls to one hour?"
Anne: "Yes."
John: "Deal."
Anne: "Great!"

9/11 and PTSD, Anxiety, Depression

2009-09-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

This morning MSNBC broadcast the entire events of 9/11 as if it was happening today. There wasn't even a narrative overlay to talk about it in the past tense. This and other broadcasts or articles about 9/11 can trigger PTSD from the actual event as there are those who "witnessed" it on television as if they were there and can have PTSD even though they weren't there. It can also trigger symptoms of anxiety, depression, helplessness and hopelessness. If you feel any of these symptoms and it feels sudden and without reason, it may have something to do with this or that your psyche remembers this as an anniversary of a tragic event. The psyche has a memory of its own and "anniversaries" can trigger symptoms without the person being aware of the connection. Whether or not you have any of these symptoms, you might still feel upset about this horrific event as you see or hear about it in the news.Talking with family, friends,or a therapist can help you feel better. Talking has healing power that we can't really explain, we just know it does. If talking with friends or family doesn't help, it is beneficial to contact a counselor/therapist or call your local county crisis hotline if you're distressed and there isn't anyone available to talk with you.

A Senior Thought

2009-06-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

After we've raised families, or retired, or completed "middle age," and moved on, we sometimes feel sad and depressed or empty and lost. An important aspect of aging is that, as we age, we still need to "matter." Mattering to someone isn't the same as being needed because we're better than the bank (no interest loan that never gets paid back) or are convenient baby sitters. Mattering means we count, we're wanted at the family gathering because we're interesting and enjoyable, not that we're "parked" at the family gathering because, oh well, what else are they going to do with us? Mattering means seeing someone's face light up at the sight of us or hearing the phone ring because someone wants to talk to us or someone wants to come and visit or someone wants us to come and visit. Becoming irrelevant in our lifetimes is a sad state of affairs and doesn't happen in many other cultures. In other cultures Mom and Dad live with the family as they age. Sometimes two or three generations all live under the same roof or in very close proximity to each other. Mom and Dad matter, they are wanted and appreciated, not tolerated and cared for because, well no one wants to feel guilty after we croak. If you don't feel like you matter, that you have become irrelevant, try to think of something you can do, even if it's learning how to use the internet to join an online group that shares a common interest with you. If you can drive or get out by taking the bus or have some other means of transportation, think about whether or not there is anything you can try (trying means you don't have to keep doing it if it isn't interesting to you after all), like volunteering somewhere or taking a class in painting, photography, pottery, or becoming the oldest person on the planet to get a college degree or any number of other activities that are available to those of us who want to continue living meaningful lives. Please learn to ask for help. If you don't ask, no one can read your mind. Wanting to learn how to use the internet and not asking anyone to teach you isn't going to get you internet lessons or wanting to volunteer at the hospital but not having a ride and not asking for one will keep you from what could be an interesting and new experience. You might be able to help someone in need or enjoy someone who shares a common interest with you, or make new friends at the pottery center or the senior center. Don't be afraid to ask. "No," only stings for a minute, then it's over and you can move right along, continuing to seek a way to stay relevant in a culture that adores the young and beautiful and tolerates the elderly as if we have been reduced to two collective brain cells and no synapse. Unlike the family dog, we can't be put down when we become more trouble than others think we're worth. Fortunately, there are many of us, and we're as diverse and interesting as we ever were. We might need to do some serious thinking about how to create new life situations where we count for something and someone cares about whether or not we show up. However, if you've lived long enough to become a senior, you've already done plenty of serious thinking and you can do it again. Only this time you can do it gloriously, wonderfully, deliciously, all for yourself instead of taking care of others. If you don' think you matter, don't take yourself seriously enough to figure out how to stay relevant in a world that turned away when you got your millionth wrinkle, couldn't remember what you said or to whom if it was longer than two days ago, or acquired your second double chin, or had to learn to live on a fixed income, no one else will either.

Flu Fear?

2009-05-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

The flu is always worrisome and this new flu is particularly worrisome because it hasn't been seen in humans before. However, certain precautions should always be taken regarding the transmission of infectious diseases. It is important to train yourself not to touch your face, eyes, nose, and mouth during your daily routine. A virus can live on a doorknob or shopping cart handle for quite a while so just learning not to touch your face can really help. Another thing to remember to do before you handle food or after using the bathroom is to wash your hands with soap and to scrub for at least thirty seconds. Use a tissue when coughing or sneezing and request that others do the same. Stay away from people who appear sick and don't kiss people, even on the cheek, during flu season or in the event of an unusual flu such as the one we're currently experiencing. And don't be afraid to tell someone you are around, right after they've announced that they're not feeling well and wonder if it's still O.K. to be around you, that it isn't, that you're sorry but you'd much prefer to take a rain check as you are concerned about staying healthy. Anyone who cares about you or even anyone who is just a rational adult, won't mind. We all understand not wanting to get sick. You might also consider carrying a small hand sanitizer with you for times when soap and water aren't available for washing your hands. If you take basic precautions, checking with your doctor if you develop flu like symptoms, then try not to worry. Worry can bring on anxiety that stresses you out and makes you feel sick, can even make you feel like you have the flu when what you have is anxiety about getting the flu. Sometimes it's very difficult to discern real physical illness from feeling ill as a result of stress and anxiety.

Anxiety

2009-04-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

When you were a kid did you ever suddenly wonder how your body was breathing then suddenly feel your chest tighten and think that maybe you couldn't or wouldn't keep breathing? O.K. I was considered strange by my brothers, I did and you didn't, but it does illustrate a point I'd like to make. The point being that we do so many things naturally until we begin to think about it. Now thinking, most of the time, is a good thing. But thinking about whether or not you have cancer or whether or not you can sleep or whether or not you can breathe, only increases anxiety and that's what happens in a panic attack. Something triggers the attack and it could be anything. Let's say your parents got a divorce when you were a kid and you didn't know who you were going to live with, whether or not it was your fault, whether or not your parents were still going to love you and so on. Now, grow yourself up about thirty years and begin having a hard time at work, your boss is too tough on you, making new demands on you, you're not sure whether or not you can do what he/she is asking and then you're out somewhere and you begin to feel like you're having a heart attack or something. You feel out of breath, you're dizzy, maybe nauseous,clammy, frightened, you don't know whether or not you should have someone call an ambulance so a friend drives you to the ER (if you really believe you're having a heart attach and haven't been diagnosed with panic or anxiety disorder, please do call an ambulance) and you, upon examination, learn you're not having a heart attack and upon further testing find out your heart is just fine. It's pretty likely then that you've had a panic attack. It's also reasonable for me, as your therapist, to suspect that there's a link between your fear of failure at work and your experience of your parent's divorce. Now you're not going to know this as it's all buried in your subconscious but what you will notice, if you continue to have panic attacks, is that paying attention to a panic attack is like wondering how your body is breathing. The more you focus on it the worse it gets. Your fear feeds itself and the panic mounts. Here are a few tips if you think you might have panic or anxiety attacks (always get checked out by a medical doctor first to rule out anything physical):
1.Notice your breathing. People who are very anxious tend to breathe from the top third of their lungs and rapidly. Slow your breathing down and take deep, long breaths in, and slow, long exhalations out.
2.Tell yourself that you aren't going to die, that nothing bad is happening and that the worst thing that can possibly happen is that you'll pass out from hyperventilation and your body will return to normal.
3.Focus on something and study it. For instance, if you are sitting in a chair, begin to study the arm of the chair. Is it upholstered, wood, what kind of wood, what color, what shape? Study the arm of the chair like you're going to take an examination on chair arms. Or focus on anything close to you and do the same thing.
4.Or begin talking to someone, a friend, a neighbor, a co-worker, someone in line that looks like a nice person. Once you begin talking you will take your mind away from what is going on with your body which is anxiety feeding anxiety at that point you notice it. The same goes with studying something close to you, it takes your mind off of your body.
5.Or begin writing without taking your pen from the paper, write fast and don't edit or punctuate. Write whatever comes into your mind and don't stop for fifteen minutes.
6.If possible begin walking fast, around the block, through a park, across a parking lot, because you dump adrenaline into your system during a panic attack and walking fast will help burn it off.
Whatever exercise above you chose to do, continue to breathe slowly and deeply.
These are just a few suggestions to try. Contacting a therapist for an appointment to see if some therapy would help, is a good idea as well.

The End of Winter

2009-03-02T23:26:00.001-08:00

March 1, 2009

Even though we know we need water to end the drought, we are tired of cold, gray days and we long for spring's first warmth. Winter doesn't seem so bad until it's gone on for a few months and then, as impatient as if we were standing in front of a microwave waiting for 30 seconds to end, we want sunshine, we want to go outside, shed our jackets and coats and feel the sun (O.K. slathered in sunscreen) on our eager faces.
Some people might notice they feel more irritable, some a little blue or blah. Nothing seems interesting and curling up under a soft down comforter seems like just the right thing to do.
The acronym SAD was devised some years back for a newly discovered type of depression called, Seasonal Affective Disorder, basically meaning: Where is the sun and why is it so cold and why can't I ride my bike, walk my dog, run on the beach, and how many more days do I have to stay inside?
SAD is particularly prevalent in places like Alaska because of the long months of twilight and cold temperatures. Light banks have been used successfully by many and they do help but nothing beats a nice, warm day to enjoy doing whatever you like to do, walking, bike riding, car riding, or just getting out of the house to enjoy the weather.
In March, we've had it with winter and sometimes we blame other things like our spouses or partners or kids or just life in general and then the sun shines and the air warms up and we feel just splendid. Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth and some of us are just happy we've arrived for yet another season of blue skies, puffy clouds, a road trip or two, and warm air, long days, and that indescribable feeling of starting out on yet another adventure. Hibernation is over and we come out to play, to work without umbrellas and boots and hats and gloves just like the snake shedding it's skin, we put our "winter things" away until the next time.
If you feel unusually irritable or sad and nothing in particular has happened in your life, consider that you might be suffering from a bit of SAD and be easy on yourself. Try to exercise as that helps. Even if you roll off of the couch and onto the floor in front of the TV for a few calisthenics, it will help, yes it will! Eating healthy food and trying not to fill up on carbs is also helpful as is treating yourself to something special whether or not it is a favorite dessert or dinner and a movie out or a night without the kids. Trade babysitting with a friend and go out and hold hands with your honey if you have one or look for a honey if you're lonely. In California there are thirty-three million people so loneliness has more to do with not knowing how to find that special person than that person not existing, but that's another entry.
For now, close your eyes and imagine a favorite warm weather experience. Linger, don't be in a hurry, look all around, remember every detail of what you love about this particular place or activity. Your subconscious mind won't know if you're there or you're just dreaming and that's the point, dream a little now, it's called "active dreaming" and you can go wherever you want in your mind's eye even if it is for just ten minutes a day. You'll find the excercise relaxing and pleasurable and it will make this last clutch of winter easier, and before you know it, you'll wake up into a delicious new season

Not a Good Date?

2008-10-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Dear MJ,
My friend likes to take the bus trips to Reno for a fun time out. We live in an assisted living complex so I like to get out too but I don’t always like to go on bus trips, especially when it’s always to go gambling and have a few drinks. I wouldn’t mind going with her sometimes but when I ask her to do other things with me she says she’s too busy. Is she really my friend? What should I do?
Sincerely, Not a Good Date

Dear Not a Good Date,You’re probably are a good date, and I bet you’re a lot of fun to be with on the bus trips, otherwise she wouldn’t keep asking you. In any friendship, the hardest thing to do is talk about things that might make you or the other person uncomfortable. You need to change the way you think about “uncomfortable situations” and realize that “fact finding” conversations don’t have to be uncomfortable at all. First, it’s important that you come up with more than one thing you like to do so you can offer your friend a “menu” of other fun activities.

Maybe you like longer trips but not always to Reno or the other casinos. If so, go to the Elderhostel website, http://www.elderhostel.org/ or ask someone who manages your complex to find the site for you on the community computer, so you can look around at the various trips, some are very short and some are longer. No matter what kinds of activities you like you will probably find something at Elderhostel.

If you aren’t particularly interested in a trip but would like to attend church services and would like your friend to go with you as company, or maybe take walks in a community park or along waterfront trails, or perhaps you’ve spotted a one day crafts fair in a nearby city, or your senior center is putting on something you’d like to go to or maybe a movie or a play are things you’d be more interested in, then list those things before talking to your friend..

Once you’re armed with a list of things you’d like to do, the odds are greater that something on your list will appeal to your friend. Ask your friend if she would like to do any of them. Explain to your friend that you would like to do more things than just bus trips, that you like the trips but you’d like her to share some other activities with you. If your friend says, “No” to every suggestion, then ask your friend “Why?” and this is the part where it can get uncomfortable unless you think of yourself as someone who is just on a fact finding mission, not someone who is mad or hurt or upset, but someone who really wants to know. Explain to your friend that you feel like there are many other things to do that could be fun, not to replace the bus trips but to have fun in other ways as well.

If you have been friendly and honest with your friend, it is likely she will choose to do something with you as long as you know what, when, and where and have the information about how to get there, get back, etc. If you don’t have those answers, your activities director can help you. If your friend flatly refuses and doesn’t have any good reason why, then perhaps you are just a “friend of convenience,” and you should begin looking around for a real friend, someone who believes in the give and take of friendship.

P.S. For those of you who don’t live in assisted living centers, the same suggestions apply except you can ask someone in your family or call an assisted living center and see if they can still provide you with the information you need for your activity of choice. Be sure to ask for the activities director though as someone just answering the phone might not be able to help you.

Finding your voice as you age

2008-08-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

Of course, finding your voice at any age is great, as many people are too focused on what other people think and not what they feel or think. For seniors, however, finding one's voice is especially critical because so many assumptions are made about seniors today. Here are some common one:
1. All seniors prefer to be with their families over all other activities.
2. All seniors have nothing to talk about but their aches an pains.
3. Seniors have given up being sexual.
4. Seniors are grateful for the things others take them to or invite them to and are happy with that.
5. Seniors don't know how to flirt, be silly, joke around, dream about the future, have great desire and passions.
These are just a few of them. I could list many more. We, as seniors, need to find a collective voice that tells this country who we really are, not just tax phobic, insulated, half bathed elderly people who hope someone will invite them somewhere to get their minds off of worrying about their health. We were young once and have a lot to share, we have stories about the history of this country, about the history of where we live, about the history of just about everything including potato peelers and why we don't use them anymore (guess). We were there for the civil rights movement, most of us remember the day JFK was assassinated, we protested the Vietnam War and had a great impact on the cessation of that war. We were part of the feminist movement which had such a severe backlash that even mentioning the word today will likely get a negative response from most women and men. All feminism ever meant was that women have the right to be autonomous and to enter into anything they choose to do without fear. That's not such a bad thing but that's not what got handed down as what feminism is. Seniors are treasure troves of oral history and they are interesting, and a vital part of our culture. If we were tree hugging, anti-war protesters who thought that women and men were different but equal and that the color of one's skin shouldn't determine the worth or value of that person, then surely we can redefine ourselves once again so we can figure out how we want to live, what makes us happy, what we want to do or not do, what do we want to change and how can we effect that change. This can be an exciting and wonderful time of life or it can be like watching ourselves go down the conveyor belt into the great unknown. I think we need to discover ourselves all over again and reach fearlessly for that star we have not yet touched, the one in the night sky we wish on but mostly don't believe in. Believe and we can make it happen.